Summer is nearly upon us
i’m soaking up every last minute of the family being together before barney jets off to saudi for a 7 week stint and i become a single parent while jumping on the biggest season of summer
It’s not our first rodeo. The last time this happened, two years ago , I was deep in the thick of it. Tired. Lonely. Overwhelmed. But this time? It’s different. Not because the situation’s changed, but because I have.
But then Rokit got a little older. He became more like a companion. And that’s when I realised…it wasn’t the schedule that made me sad, it was the silence. The lack of communication. When he was a baby, the days felt endless. But once he had a personality, that loneliness disappeared.
It hit me: same situation, same people… completely different experience. Two years can change everything.
but today i’m here to tell you the truth,
Half the time I’m clinging to my business, my relationship, and my collagen for dear life…” and as like ive just mentioned things change fast
it’s like this huge cloud over my head knowing its about to rain but it hasn’t come yet (what is that?)
I even said to barney ( my too be husband) “are you scared to get married” I had a million questions and he just calmly said one, its part of life and the next chapter…but that’s another topic for another day
So before stepping into this career as a full time DJ…I never thought it would be this hard in this career..the saying goes ‘do what you love and never work a day in your life
’ I even said that on the last substack…and don’t get me wrong
I dont regret any step of this journey; however do you ever feel like you’re aging fast, but your career is just getting started?! maybe part of that reason is seeing old colleagues online after a while and seeing that they are a little older, an extra line or two. Or my friend that’s voice noting me saying they’ve found another gray hair, but why as a society have we created this fear of aging…??
I suppose along side the obvious comments
“you can’t be a dj if your a mum”
Well, I defined those odds too.
“you can’t be a dj in your 40s” or
“if you wanna another baby you should freeze your eggs as old eggs create problems”
it’s almost like we have been conditioned to be fearful every step of the way
it was just yesterday when i heard,
‘dont get pregnant or your life basically ends and you have no freedom…’
to
‘you better hurry up as your not getting any younger’
by the end of it i’m like a nervous wreck needing therapy injecting myself on an overdose of botox all for people to stop calling me old.
but what they can’t do is make you physically feel..and I feel younger fitter and happier then I did in my teens..
When I was in my teens, I’m sure we can all agree on feeling so out of body, not knowing who I am, where I was heading to. Now, knowing who I am just about. My 30s have been flirty and thriving…and I write this as my young-to-be husband turns 34 and I’m 37… I even remember when I was 30… seven years ago, he threw me a surprise party with all my friends, and that time I really thought I had cracked the industry and I was about to go into my peak. Finally, I did it, made it in the industry, doing adverts for Ministry of Sound, touring all the big British festivals, being flown to Dubai, Poland, Ibiza, Marbella…
oh how wrong was I
so to give you context (i joined another band) roll eyes and face plant into the wall…and no it wasn’t like the old sony band I was part of, no singing but 4 girls from different lives re releasing an old brand, adding life back into it and becoming the face of HEDKANDI
Remember those albums in the early 2000s when house met disco and labels became as big as the artist? the ones with that colourful sexy girl in an almost pop art style well we basically had to audition for this new collective and I GOT IN!!!!
And I was given the job of being in control of the tropical house playlist and music selector
But it was just as Tropical started to turn into some pop-sounding trash I hated. And I fell out of love with it very, very quickly. The harder part was creatively being told what worked musically and what didn’t. ‘If I dressed this way, I would be cool.’ ‘If I played this type of music, people would like me more.’ And authenticity was key. A memory I had was recording the Hedkandi radio show…and then the producers trying to put in a Jess Glynn pop track that was playing on mainstream radio top 10 hit…hold on…what are we doing here? Are we helping people discover new music for the club, or what? I was hired for a job I wasn’t allowed to do…and my name was on it. And if their decisions went to pot…it would be my face that got the blame.
they had a saying in the agency
‘we want you to be authentic’
and honestly…
it was the most inauthentic moment and part of me after that only thought i got the part due to my pink space buns that made me look like the comic they were about to create.
And it destroyed me… I learnt a lot and I now know why I was taught this crazy, invaluable lesson in how shallow the industry is. But like my duchess girl band days, it took me a good two years to shake this energy when it all flopped and the collective was no more…and yes, tougher than any relationship.
so now i’m at this point where i’m doing what I love every day, but with the cost over my head thinking ‘am I too old now? did I miss the boat..but then other days I think ‘god I am finally making music I wanna make creating this content Iwanna create, working with the brands I actually use and all on my terms
No management, just my vision my direction and guess what its probably the most successful i’ve ever been in my 37 years and no agency telling me what to do…invigorating
so the only advice I can give any buddying creative is ‘the road is long, patience is key, no one else is gonna do the work as well as you can’ so keep grinding and your time will come. the right way, just as it was meant to. Time will show you what you deserve…
the most difficult times are in the time we give ourselves to complete..but what’s the rush??
PS: if you’re wondering whether you’re too late, too tired, or too behind… you’re not. You’re just in the thick of becoming.